Cell Phone Stocks Drop, Service Use Down By Half

by James Gaskin

The stock rundown this past week for every major cell provider has finally been explained. First thought to be caused by weakening nerves of stock buyers based on the high debt incurred by AT&T gobbling half the cell accounts in the country at high debt value and customer acquisition cost, cell execs discovered the truth today: Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

Widely quoted in the supermarket tabloids the past two weeks, Paris and Lindsay started another of their famous feuds designed to increase sales rates of tabloids and promote full employment for E! TV reporters. This time, however, the battle focused on which "star" hated her cell phone the most.

Paris Hilton, through her spokesdog riding in her handbag, declared, "talking on a cell and texting is, like, so over." Not to be outdone, Lindsay sent a message through her current celebrity overdose d'jour rehabilitation center saying, "If you want to tell me something, say it writing with a fountain pen on nice paper." Teenage girls by the millions followed their advice, putting down their cells and picking up fountain pens.

Norman Haase, owner of HisNibs fountain pen e-commerce Web site, said, "I can't keep pens in stock, especially the ones with glitter and rhinestones. I also had to order 200 drums of purple ink."

Cell execs, desperate to revive their traffic, are gathering Oscar-quality gift baskets for Paris and Lindsay. Celebrity "expert consultants" promise both young "women" fall into the Low Talent, No Shame, Open Checkbook school of modern celebrity. Market watchers expect cell and texting traffic to rebound during the next celebrity "news" crises.


2007-04-03 16:33:13
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2007-09-05 10:43:48