Five Things That Microsoft Won't Do in 2005 - But Should

by Preston Gralla

The start of the year is always a good time for looking into the crystal ball. But this time around I'll forgo the usual prognostications. Instead, here are my predictions for five things Microsoft won't do in 2005 - but should.

Microsoft Advises People to Switch to Firefox

Microsoft surprises the world by telling users to switch to Firefox. "We've given up modernizing Internet Explorer or beefing up its security," a Microsoft official admitted. "So we figured, what the heck, let's tell people to go with the best browser out there. After all, who cares about installed base?"

Microsoft Introduces Plain-English Error Codes

Abandoning decades of tradition, Microsoft uses error codes that humans can understand. Henceforth, Windows error codes will no longer say things such as "System Error Code %ld"!" Instead, they'll be in the kind of everyday English that people use. The most common error code will read: "Dude, your PC's hosed!"

Microsoft Releases an iPod Killer

Microsoft rolls out a beautifully designed digital music player with more capacity than the iPod and with a slicker, more elegant look. An even bigger surprise: It doesn't try to cram Windows onto the small LCD screen. "Who says Windows has to be everywhere?" explained a Microsoft spokesman. "Sometimes it just doesn't fit."

Microsoft Beefs up its Anemic Firewall

Microsoft finally adds outbound protection to its Windows Firewall, a kind of protection every other firewall has, and that it inexplicably didn't bother to include in SP2. An unnamed Microsoft employee admits that outbound protection "just kind of slipped our mind. Who thought you'd need to worry about Trojans, bots, and spyware?"

Microsoft Rolls Out Longhorn

On February 1, at a small event attended only by half-a-dozen people, Microsoft releases the final version of Longhorn, with its full feature set. "All those times we told you it was delayed, and that we had to strip it down - we were just pulling your leg," Bill Gates told the small group, who were sipping generic cola out of paper cups and munching on Doritos, the only food provided at the low-key event. When asked why he had made the announcement so quietly, and had forgone the usual several hundred million dollar marketing campaign to launch a new operating system, Gates answered, "Publicity, schmublicity. A product should sell itself. Who needs hype?"

What are your predictions for things Microsoft won't do in 2005, but should?


2005-01-04 09:09:23
when Apple already does all this?

Get a Mac, and you automatically get a better browser than IE (Safari, which uses OS X Services).

Error codes? What are error codes?

Apple already makes da bomb mp3 player, the iPod. No death necessary.

You get a firewall that has yet to be penetrated by the bad guys (did you get that? No, nada, zilch malwares to trouble the Mac user yet. None.)

In Mac OS X, Apple already has Longhorn+. It is at version 3 right now. Version 4 first half of next year. For sure. No if, ands, or maybe we won't put that in this release. High security, high content, easy learning curve.

Try it. You'll like it. Now. Today if you want.


2005-01-04 15:59:40
The top thing Microsoft won't do in 2005: Optimize all Mac OS X applications to take full advantage of 64 bit addressing and SMP on dual G5s.
2005-01-04 23:02:50
It's not 1 April yet, so your silly jokes are a few months early.

Let's add another one:
Early March. In a surprise move Microsoft releases Windows 2005 for the G5 as well as a full product line of office and game applications.
At the same time Dell announces a deal with IBM and starts shipping $500 G5 systems with the new operating system installed.
Intel and AMD are furious and vow to release G5 compatible CPUs at higher performance before the year is out.

2005-01-05 02:22:05
Windows Firewall outbound protection...
According to a french Microsoft security engineer, Outbound protection is not included in Windows Firewall in order to prevent law suits for monopolistic position around personnal firewalls.

2005-01-05 12:54:40
Windows Firewall outbound protection...
yup. Microsoft is prevented by law from providing a secure platform.

Typical law of unintended consequences. In order to protect the consumer the politicos prevent a company from giving the consumer what they need...

2005-01-06 09:22:52
AntiSpyware Program
They didn't beef up it's anemic firewall (yet), but they did release its own spyware removal program :-P See my weblog at