Why Spam is So Dangerous

by Alan Graham

I was upset hearing David Kay, the CIA's lead weapons inspector in Iraq, remark that it is unlikely they will find any weapons of mass destruction. Everyone is searching for the reasons why our intelligence agencies could have been so wrong about the Iraqi weapons programs. Well I had to have an answer, and I'm too impatient to wait for hundreds of hearings and independent investigations, so I decided to provide the nation with some understanding of what probably happened.

This story will probably break within a few days, and I am sure it will be huge, so you'll be able to say you saw it here first.


News Flash: Intelligence Gaffe Led to War

(WASHINGTON) In a shocking turn of events, CIA Director George Tenet has stated that when the Bush Administration was requesting a report on WMD's in Iraq, there was an apparent miscommunication. "I thought the President was referring to weapons of mass dysfunction." When asked for clarification on how such a major break in communication could have occured, Tenet went on to explain that he apparently mixed up the White House's official Email request for intelligence with a spam Email which was advertising prescription-free Viagra.


"As you can see by this image, it was an easy mistake to make. I first received the official Email. While I briefly scanned the content, my secretary came in with some papers to sign. During that time the spam Email came in and pushed the official email below my visible que. Thinking it was the official Email, I re-read the Subject line and thought they were requesting information on weapons of mass dysfunction, which of course Iraq has a tremendous stockpile of. Based on this mistake I sent over reams of intelligence which proved there were huge amounts of WMDs. I'm sure many of you have done something similar. I remember my wife once thought she was getting an Email from me saying 'I Love You,' and that email actually erased her entire Perry Como collection."

According to the White House, the terrorist who sent the spam has been arrested and is being held at Camp X-Ray as an enemy combatant. In a statement to the press, White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan stated, "The President takes this type of electronic terrorism extremely serious. This individual is responsible for the liberation of a nation from an evil dictator, through fraudulent claims of prescription free drugs. We now know this product turned out to be an herbal supplement, and not Viagra. The President takes impotence very seriously, which is why he felt so strongly about the UN stance on Iraq."

French President Chirac, commenting on the Press Secretary's remarks, had this to say, "Mon dieu! I've never had a problem with my erection. I can have one anytime I like. For goodness sake, I'm French. Look, I'm having one now."

Asked what the White House now plans to do about the mistake, the Press Secretary said, "We plan on installing stronger spam filtering software for one thing, and the President has been advised to stop forwarding jokes to friends and colleagues using the Cc field."

Former presidential hopeful, Bob Dole (spokesman for Viagra), could not be reached for comment.


Now don't you all feel better?


2004-01-31 01:06:47
Don't believe the news
Iraq possessing weapons of mass destruction and us not finding them are not mutually exclusive facts. I invite people who want to argue about this to ride around the Sunni Triangle with me for a day to get a dose of reality.
2004-01-31 05:33:49
Don't believe the news
I should have known better...you write something funny that pokes fun at everyone...just to lighten everyone's day a little...and someone has to turn it into a serious political debate. Lighten up.
2004-01-31 05:40:19
Don't believe the news
BTW...I'm not saying that Iraq isn't a dangerous place or that we won't find WMD's...it is a joke at the expense of the political process.
2004-01-31 08:01:19
Don't believe the news
Even ignoring the obvious euphemism,
this is even funnier than the weblog.
2004-01-31 09:26:57
I am of course officially outraged :)

But very funny posting!

I just wish I could share it with some colleagues without starting a fight!
2004-02-02 07:20:42
Re:Don't believe the news
There AREN'T Weapons of Mass Destruction there. By WMDs, I hold to the accepted definition of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons.

Now, that it not to say that the Sunni Triangle isn't dangerous. That's why a lot of us were fighting going to war so we didn't have to send you poor bastards over into hostile territories for a trumped up charge that all signs said were false. There was tons of evidence that this was a mistake, but everyone wanted to follow Bush into the fray.

Check out former UN Weapons Inspector (and Gulf War I Marine veteran) Scott Ritter's own statements about the assertion: Ritter's address to the Iraqi foreign assembly. Ritter was urging the Iraqi's to step aside and let the inspectors back into the country so that no war would happen because there WERE NO WEAPONS.

Now its big news.

Sheesh. I am sorry you are in the Gulf. Hopefully you can come home to family and friends soon.